@Midgetspar

I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.

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@dafloydsta

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

@DesecratedJewel

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

@curlycomedy

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

@thenoahkinsey

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

@Howiesbookclub

Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

@Not_Uncle_Hoot

I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with the neighbors.

@Breadery

My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.

@SadPeruna

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

@BackrowSeats

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.