Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*