How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Ugh but profoundly
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol