I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

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Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.


I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.


Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.


Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow


Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…HAHAHAHA!

Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I’m in tears*


Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes


[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY


There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.


I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.