@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

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@dmc1138

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

@shariv67

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.

@BonesHer

Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

@AntoKenya

Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…HAHAHAHA!

Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I’m in tears*

@thedad

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

@noog

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

@librarianfonz

There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.

@Lil_Booty_Boss

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.