I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
You Might Also Like
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.