I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not