@Sheila_Mac420

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

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@rolldiggity

“What should we name this fruit?”
“Passion!”
“…”
“…”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

@primawesome

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

@daemonic3

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

@MrEd_EVH

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

@aPunch2theJunk

I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”

I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.

If something oozes, it’s probably infected.

@ricedaddy7

Million dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”