I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

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“What should we name this fruit?”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”


Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread


You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.


A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?


Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”


Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40


I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”

I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.

If something oozes, it’s probably infected.


Million dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”