I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.