@Bob_Janke

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

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@JustDontBugMe

[Wedding]

Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@JediGigi

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[date]

W: I’m really into astronomy.
M: Oh! What’s your sign?
W: The one that knows the difference between science & superstitious idiocy.

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@Pro_Jones_

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

@ColIegeStudent

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.