I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”