@Bob_Janke

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

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@juneohara65

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

@UncleDuke1969

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

@andreeahluscu

Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

@Diane_7A

Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.

@er0tikka

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.

@JediGigi

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.