Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
W: I’m really into astronomy.
M: Oh! What’s your sign?
W: The one that knows the difference between science & superstitious idiocy.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.