@Bob_Janke

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

- @Bob_Janke

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@jonnysun

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

@sixthformpoet

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.

@mompsychologist

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

@Jake_Vig

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@JasonLastname

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

@wendchymes

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat