I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children