I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.