Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
You Might Also Like
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[god creating ants]
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.
*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?