I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times