I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

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*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out


Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.


“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”


His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye


“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”


Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.


Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit


Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head


Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.


Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!