@Jandalize

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

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@GrantTanaka

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

@withanewname

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

@UncleDuke1969

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

@WilliamAder

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

@Darchstar078

Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.

@PhilJamesson

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

@bea_ker

Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head

@the_moonface

Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.

@delusionaliam

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!