I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

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I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:



Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate


They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….





[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
“welcome to the navy seals”


[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*


[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?


Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.


Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.