Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
saw this in a dream
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.