Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
At the end of the day, it’s 11:59pm.
Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”
Now, I tweet them
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*