I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a thatsso of ravens
Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own
ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
The opposite of “Free Willy” is “Predestinationy.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.