What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
Where would you like to go?
Get in the Spider Van.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.