I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

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I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”


I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.


I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.


Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out


Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.


Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.


HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT


When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.