I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Battery falling down a hole
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.