Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Happy Taco Tuesday
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it