I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.