My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Pass gas, not judgment.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.