I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?


Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.


date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”


doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…


Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.


My fellow Canadians,

Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us.

Don’t be the reason we can’t have nice things