I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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oh you wanna fight?!
Sometimes I’ll casually say “what else do you want?” on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I’m ordering for more than just me.
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
My favorite Jobs:
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
My fellow Canadians,
Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us.
Don’t be the reason we can’t have nice things