Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Passwords are more important than ever.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.