I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok