I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

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You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.


if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito


Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.


I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.


SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.


Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*