I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.


ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no


If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.


What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?


Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?



Her: Can I have my money back please?!


Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man


It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”


The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.


My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

He’s ready for Twitter.