I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Eats those guys
Don’t do that Spider-Man
It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
He’s ready for Twitter.