I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.