You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My favorite Jobs:
I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Soul mates theory
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*