I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
That’s amazing.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.