Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.