Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.