I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
paddle faster i hear baby shark