Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright
– a casual ghost
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.