I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Solving a traffic jam
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!