I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard