@bornmiserable

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

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@ianpauldukes

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

@PoodleSnarf

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

@just1fool

Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.

@mister_blank

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

@PMTheron1

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

@daemonic3

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

@KatieMoNYC

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

@PaperWash

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

@clichedout

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am