ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.
In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.
Relationship status: binoculars
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.