“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon