I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“The Perfect Relationship”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.