Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.