@Darlainky

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

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@TheAlexNevil

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

@ddsmidt

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

@bingowings14

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

@TheSweetestD_

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

@ToskaXxx

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

@ruinedpicnic

parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun

@omerwahaj

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.