I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Wake me when AI does housework
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises