I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Optional boss fight.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples