The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
You Might Also Like
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.