@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

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@Talk_To_The_Hat

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

@realHamOnWry

My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.

@withanewname

Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.

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@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

@HenpeckedHal

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

@HowToBeADad

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

@Darlainky

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

@lilgapeach30

Guys say “never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die” as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.