“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Yes, but it was never about money
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs