“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Ah yes. The three genders
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”