“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.