@zgbetty
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
@RunOldMan
I don’t know why people get offended if they’re called non-essential, that just means more time to eat bacon.
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@zgbetty
@ninatreemonkey
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
@DontCome4Me_Boo
Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”
@chuuew
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
@LizHackett
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
@steeve_again
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
@WilliamAder
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
@StarWarsProblms
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
@super_morgasm
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
@briancthayer
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.