I don’t know why people get offended if they’re called non-essential, that just means more time to eat bacon.

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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.


Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q


To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.


After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.


[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate


The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.


Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.


Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.


*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.