@RunOldMan

I don’t know why people get offended if they’re called non-essential, that just means more time to eat bacon.

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@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

@kimtopher22

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

@celebrityhottub

I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”

@Hormonella

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

@AndyAsAdjective

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

@thetits

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?