[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
I don’t know why people get offended if they’re called non-essential, that just means more time to eat bacon.
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WTF IS THAT!
Whatever Mom, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?