[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.