I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
time machine? you mean a clock?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Breaking news:
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache