@JessCarpWrites

I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.

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@bridger_w

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

@MAngelo505

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

@AmericanGent69

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

@snack_lord

Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

@Andee_Stewart

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

@thenoahkinsey

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

@Travis_Lemire

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

@ClichedOut

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a