I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.

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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.


David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!


Spider Can, Spider Can, bunch of spiders in a can. Shake it up, spiders mad, open it, they bite your hand. Look out! I have a spider can


Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.


The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant


I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”


Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.


me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a