MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
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If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
me when i see my girls butt
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
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Expectations vs. Reality
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there