I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I am a gravy boat captain
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
me hitting on a model
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.