I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*


[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!


You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier


winery employee: can u tell what this one has hints of


winery employee:

me: hm [swirls glass, sniffs] grapes


[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.


jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget


Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37


My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.