I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?