@XGroverX

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

@thenatewolf

Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

@MattKrahe

A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.

@KeetPotato

[music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
yes joe?
“banjo”
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]

@sass_n_ass

No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.

@mom_ontherocks

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

@BoomBoomBetty

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

@dkn33c

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.