I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me trying to walk in a dream
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My blood type is b hungry.