I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]


Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.


Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”


A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.


[music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
yes joe?
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]


No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.


Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops


Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]


i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.