I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
S O O N
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”