@rocknthepurple

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

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@maebemarbles

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

@TheThomason

Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.

@ChicksRule

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

@StellaRtwot

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@aveuaskew

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

@heybuddy_comic

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that