Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.
AlgeBron James is the best mathlete in the league
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: You have to do what I say cause I’m your Dad
8 y/o daughter: You sure?
Don’t know if she intended the ambiguity but that was savage
Cats being cats.
Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.