I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

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*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*


Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.


Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*




Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?


Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.


Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.


ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*


If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.


boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that