@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

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@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

@RayInCincinnati

I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.

@ventivodkacran

When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@stephenjmolloy

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

@thedad

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

@Fred_Delicious

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament