I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

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Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.


I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”


A Smart car Zoomed past me

And vanished into a pothole


“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]


I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.


Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.


[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]


11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?


Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.