I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.
When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament