@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

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@orny_xo

Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.

@josh___grant

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

@shwebby3

A Smart car Zoomed past me

And vanished into a pothole

@Tommytoughstuff

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

@not_thenanny

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

@_little_old_me

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

@Derpey

Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.

@ksujulie

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

@juneohara65

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.