Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
A Smart car Zoomed past me
And vanished into a pothole
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Me: I’m happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.