I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.