@Bryainiac

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

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@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@ADHDeanASL

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

@HelloCullen

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

@notviking

date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary

@SoVeryBritish

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

@EllaZee5

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

@Rollinintheseat

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

@RedRegenerated

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

@AlixEHarrow

our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.

today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID

@heyitsJudeD

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine