it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock
me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too
date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?
me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.
today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?