I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.