I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad