I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I can’t be the only one 😂
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
and this one
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.