I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
my first dose meeting my second
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*