my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
god: why should i let u into heaven
me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin
me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-
god: ok i get it
*I’m a gift to mankind.*
Mankind- I’d like to exchange this please.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Were there this many idiots before the Internet?
Any writer can be a ghost writer if you kill them