@1Happytwit

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

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@cottoncandaddy

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@MidniteMadwoman

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

@randypaint

god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes

@Tups13

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

@catstronomical

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

@brookeisgolden

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.