I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.